Last week, she wouldn’t let go of my hand.
Yesterday, she walked outside and up the hill with two friends.
The door clicked shut behind them (and between us).
She didn’t look back.
She didn’t call for me.
In an instant, I sensed her confidence building.
I felt hopeful.
Proud.
This is pre-school readiness.
This is the beginning of something new:
Independence.
It’s rare to find anyone in Michigan who isn’t ready for Spring by the end of February/beginning of March.
Couple feelings of irritability and general “blue” vibes with having two energetic children bouncing off the walls.
Then couple that with the fact that I haven’t had a daytime trip to a coffee shop to write, (one of my all-time favorite activities) or a date night with Eric in 8 months.
Honestly, sometimes I just sit on the couch and think, man, I’d really like a vodka tonic and a cigarette right now.
(that was my previous life!)
Thanks to Eric’s mom and step-dad, who surprised us with an overnight trip to the Amway Grand hotel for Eric’s upcoming birthday.
We packed our bags Saturday morning and made the 45 minute drive to Grand Rapids.
Ella was SO excited when we told her about the pool.
She talked about it non-stop, (literally) until we finally said “YES! Right now!” and changed into our bathing suits (we ended up hanging out in the jacuzzi because it was warmer. No complaints here!).
And it was great to be able to grab a bite to eat and set the dishes down at the sink for someone else to wash and put away!
Thrilling, I tell you. Thrilling.
I found myself exhaling sighs of relief more than a few times.
We did a lot of chasing.
A lot of “in a minute, sweetheart.” We had to take turns walking Lucan around restaurants and reminding Ella not to jump on the gorgeous ornate couches in the lobby.
Ah, but it was such a rare treat. The last time I stayed overnight in a hotel was when my mom and I saw Wicked in Chicago, summer of ’07. Wow!
I indulged myself in lattes and chocolate croissants. Felt fancy in my pencil skirt at dinner.
Ella got one on one time with Granny and her Aunt Sarah.
Yesterday was the warmest and sunniest day of the year so far at 63 degrees.
We walked in and opened the windows. A soft breeze came in off the lake.
The kids went into the living room and eagerly played with their toys as if they hadn’t been home for a week!
I put away dishes from the dishwasher and scrubbed down the kitchen…I love my kitchen when it’s sparkling clean.
Dishes didn’t feel like work.
It felt like life.
My life – the one that I love so much.
After not getting a true break for such a long time, I can now better understand why walking away from it all is really like hitting the refresh button. I feel refreshed!
But best of all, I feel sane.
I don’t feel like snapping at my beautiful children. And my back feels great after that long jacuzzi soak.
Today is Monday, and I feel great.
Thanks again Ruth & Louie!
“Mom, what happened to this ant?” Ella asked.
Just a few moments ago, this ant had been scurrying around the kitchen floor while we made breakfast.
“Oh, it looks like that ant got squished. One of us must have stepped on it accidentally. We didn’t mean to.”
“What is it doing now?”
“Well, honey…come here. I’ll tell you what happened.”
I crouch down next to Ella. She’s sitting in front of the ant with her legs on either side of it’s tiny body.
“Ella, I’m going to teach you a new word. Are you ready?”
She stared intently into my eyes and nodded.
“The word is death. This little ant got squished and died. It can’t move or run around anymore.”
Ella thought for a moment before saying, “it can’t run?”
This was turning in to a delicate situation. Fast.
“No. It cannot.” I replied calmly.
Ella’s eyes began to water. Her lip began to tremble and pucker. Crap.
She cried hard. More like a wail.
I scooped her up into my arms. Pecans tumbled out of her lap onto the floor.
Her head on my chest, we sat on the couch. I let her cry it out, petting her head.
“You’re sad about the ant.”
Louder sob.
“It’s okay to be sad.”
This went on for about five minutes.
Finally, she looked up at me and said, “the ant died now?”
“Yes, but you know what honey? It’s okay! I’ll tell you why. There is another word I want to teach you.”
She stopped crying completely now and waited for me to speak.
“This word is soul.
Every one and every thing has a soul. It’s what we are on the inside. Our heart. Our mind…
and you know what?”
“What?”
“Our soul NEVER dies.”
Ella looked relieved. Excited even.
“So honey, even though that ant’s body is crumpled up on the floor, it’s soul, it’s inside, is still alive somewhere, we just can’t see it. But maybe it will come alive again as another ant someday.”
I could tell Ella thought this was cool.
“A big one?” she replied.
“Yes!” I said, enthusiastically.
“As big as the sky! With WINGS!” Ella exclaimed.
“Yes, honey. A really big, happy ant that can fly.”
And with that, Ella scooped back up her pecans, and asked to see the ant again. I hadn’t yet removed it from the kitchen floor.
From the next room I could hear her, talking to the dead ant.
“It’s okay ant,” she told it’s body. “You’ll be a big ant again some day.”
And that was our first experience with death.
I’d say it went really, really well.
I’ve been blogging about my daughter, Ella, for two years now (she’s three – this blog was born just after her first birthday). Here’s a good older post about Ella to read when you’re done with this one.
Now little brother Lucan is in our lives, and is shown above at eight months old.
This boy leaves me speechless.
Is it hard to imagine? Just look at him.
He is as sweet as he looks. All. The. Time.
I’m not even kidding. Lucan is an angel.
I am so blessed!
Music was my thing.
It all began the summer of 2001.
I would be turning 16 that August, and I was bored. Couldn’t drive. It was
so hot outside. And I didn’t feel like swimming again.
So I asked my mom about her guitar. “Do you still have that old guitar?”
“In the hallway closet,” she replied.
I taught myself how to play her guitar that day.
And although most of my time these days is filled with babies,
home birth support and cleaning this house, I still love playing my guitar.
I’ve created a Kaitlin Rose music page.
Like if it you want to know more about my other passion (there is a poll
to answer when you get there).
There are days when I sit down on the couch after putting the kiddos to bed and wonder, is this the first time I’ve sat all day?
Does driving the car into town count? Wait a second, did I get a chance to sit during dinner? For a moment, just before picking up the little one out of his exersaucer and bouncing him on my hip while taking those few last bites.
Ugh.
Sometimes I just want a break.
But honestly, that’s not in the cards right now.
Dear daughter nearly had a melt down when dad wanted to take her to get a slice of pizza the other night. “Mommy come too?” She asked, so innocent and sweet. When the answer was no, she nearly hyperventilated.
That’s okay. This is a mere moment in time. It will pass.
But for now, what is a stir-crazy, touched-out, 24/7 mom to do?
Because yes, we need to stay relaxed inside and get an energy boost at the same time. It keeps us going. I think of Cesar Milan (he’s calm and assertive at the same time!).
These strategies go beyond stepping the next room to take a deep breath and count down from 10.
They’re more in depth. More colorful and fun. And I’ve found that’s exactly what I need in my life. Another plus: they’ll work for stay at home or working moms!
family music time
.
Now it’s your turn! What do you do to calm down or relax during the day? Please share in the comments below. I can’t wait to hear from you!
