Motherhood, Pregnancy

Pregnancy Update #13: Old Soul, Young Mother

2 Comments 10 May 2011

Since I was five years old, my family noticed there was something “special” about me.

I’m not sure if it was what they saw in my eyes, or the ballerina-like grace with which I walked, posed and fluttered about whenever music was playing. My mother’s best friend watched in awe and said, “oh she’s an oooold soul.”

I used to take this as the highest compliment. It defined me. I relished in the thought that I was in some way more spiritually advanced and mature than my peers.

When my mom needed advice, she’d ask me. When my grandma wanted to have a theoretical conversation about creation or wildlife, I was her gal.

But really, I didn’t know shit.

I was nothing more than a sweet kid with a good head on my shoulders. Looking back, I can see how all those “old soul,” “wiser than your years,” statements do nothing but set someone up for failure. Reality, (that your shit does in fact stink) is a massive let down.

Because really, I am no more advanced than the next person! (as if that needed to be said)

I mean come on, what the hell? That is a mighty big pedestal to be placed on. It’s literally asking for me to grow a triple-sized head. Thanks a lot folks.

This ultimate (“oh duh”)┬ádiscovery, dawned on me very recently. I’m talking this past New Years kind of recent. ┬áNot that I walked around thinking I was hot to trot – no, no, I’m way to self-conscious to ever think that. But I held on to a fair amount of pride. And it wasn’t serving me or anyone else.

Around New Years of 2011 I had a few insert-shoe-in-mouth humbling moments that lead up to quite a powerful conversation between my fiance and I.

Ever since, I feel like I’m growing up. Really growing up. There is SO much I don’t know!

These feelings have been intensified by my pregnancy and moving into a new home. It would make sense that this combination would make me more mature mom, no?

Just imagine this scene:

My daughter and I are driving back to the lake house from being “in town” in Kalamazoo. It’s a warm Spring day. The radio is playing and windows are open just enough to let in a soft breeze that plays with Ella’s hair. Ten minutes later, she’s fast asleep.

Looking in the rear-view mirror, I am suddenly struck with nostalgia. That was me. Not so long ago, I was Ella, falling asleep in the back seat on the way back home…

I have, without conscious awareness, adopted a role of motherhood that makes me feel more like a mother than ever.

And that way of mothering that I am reminiscing of will take more work; assuming more responsibility by leaning on others less.

I realized I am going to be the one making and hosting family dinners now. The torch has silently been passed. My little family is growing and my fiance and I are the new leaders.

I am embracing my life with a new found strength and appreciation. I’m no longer the “wise” child, I am the budding woman and mother raising the next generation of our family.

I no longer wish to be older, or to be anywhere other than than the exact place I am today.

Your Comments

2 Comments so far

  1. Candice says:

    Love this!

  2. Christie says:

    Thanks for sharing this. Wow. We pass from woman to mother paying attention as the physical action that brings us to motherhood, birth, transpires. But it isn’t until weeks, months, years later that we finally see all that our becoming mothers implies! I love the part about the torch being silently passed…It’s so true. I try to be inside Bella’s head, forming memories from her point of view. How do I want her to remember this time in her life? It helps me to be a better mom. This is beautiful writing. I’m blessed to be able to read it.

Share your view

Post a comment


Post Archives