Attachment Parenting, Motherhood

My Road to Motherhood: From Angry Teen to Home Birthing, Attachment Parenting SAHM

14 Comments 18 January 2011

If you would have told me ten years ago where I would be today, a well-adjusted mother of a lovely daughter with a bun in the oven, engaged to a handsome, hardworking and successful man, I would have laughed in your face.

In fact, in the current deep state of teenage angst I was submerged in at the time, I more likely would have told you to f*ck off, promptly spinning on the thick black heels of my knee high leather boots. With a tear cresting over my eyelid, I would have stomped in the direction of the art room.

We are, after all, most sensitive, (and defensive) about matters closest to the heart.

I was in fifth grade when my parents separated.

The divorced just short of a year after Daddy finished building his dream log home. My dreams of a happy family life officially shattered.

Not that I’d had much hope for my parents anyway – I was half relieved not to be woken in the middle of the night to slamming doors. I was sick of listening to my mom cry.

That said, I always hoped my parents relationship would heal. When it didn’t, I lost a lot of hope.

Couple my parents’ divorce with four hard, unpopular and lonely middle school years, (none of my friend’s parents had split up during this time) and I was doomed.

That's me in the glasses over there...

In an effort to empower myself
beyond the conventional roles that seemed outside my reach, I rebelled by becoming a punk.

The pink-haired, gauged earlobe, leather boot wearing type who hung out in art class all day.

I decided domestication wasn’t for me and let everyone I cared about know how much that path nauseated me. No white picket fence, no dog, no husband and no kids.

That was the 16 year old me.

Seven years later I was giving birth at home to my first child with fiance Eric’s support.

I went on to exclusively breastfeed, (the extended, child-lead weaning kind) cloth diaper, bed-share, and created a website, blog and Facebook page providing information about birthing at home.

A very far cry from what I ever would have imagined.

The story about exactly how I got here is a long one, full of denial and opposition. Then ultimately, submission into myself.

I realized the life I had been fighting against was really what I had always wanted. I wanted it as a child and as an adult woman.

After the home birth of our daughter, I began to understand my rebellion was steeped heavily in the fear. The fear that things wouldn’t work out – that I wasn’t capable or worthy of the future the little girl inside desired.

Friends & lovers

Then I found love and was loved in return.

I grew my chopped hair long and started caring about myself more than ever before.

When I got pregnant, things really changed.

I fell in love with myself! I learned I could decided my own fate, and began making different choices than my mom or grandmother had made (*see above attachment parenting habits).

Slowly but surely, my heart is healing. Oh geeze, now I’m starting to cry!

I’m committed to making this work – my relationship with my partner and being a strong, positive influence and teacher to my daughter as a stay at home mom.

I am so blessed to be able to stay home with her. Thank you Eric.

The most important challenge I will ever face is remembering this life is my choice. I am creating my ideal, constantly improving and healing, making life better not only for myself, but for my daughter and our new baby on the way.

Your Comments

14 Comments so far

  1. Teresa says:

    I feel you. Sadly, the birth of my first son when I was 19 was steeped in frustration and anger and anxiety as his father was NOT a good life partner (and is still pretty pathetic). My second son’s father was even worse; he left when I was 3 months pregnant and I’ve only seen him once since then to have him sign off all rights to my child. I didn’t reach the point you’re at until my early 30s when my second husband and I had our first child together. I stayed home to raise the baby, and this June will mark 5 years since that HUGE change. The other kids were raised in child care while I was a single mom stressing constantly over how to put food on the table and pay the bills. I still worry about finances, but having a life partner to share the worries is a HUGE relief. Our lives are far from perfect, but I have grown and changed and matured and am finally becoming the mom I wish I had been for #1 and #2. Overcoming my childhood dysfunction has been a long, painful road which often seemed to only loop in circles rather than moving forward. Some days I still hear the negative, knee-jerk reaction of my alcoholic mother coming out of my mouth rather than the conscious, compassionate, loving, nurturing woman I try to be when I focus on rising above my raising.
    Kudos to you for getting in tune with your loving self so early on. It will serve you and your daughter and your partner so well :)

  2. Cassandra says:

    There is no healing power greater than love.

  3. Krista says:

    When I had my son I realized how healing having kids can be. I never suffered anything too traumatic, but my mom couldn’t be a SAHM when I was little. She had to go to work and leave me with a babysitter that would spank me for peeing my pants. It was awful, I was terrified of her, and my mom had no idea. I’m not a 100% SAHM, but I work at home for an airline and I make sure I am scheduled after my husband gets home. It’s a sacrifice, but knowing that I can be there for my kids in a way that I was deprived as a child has been very healing for me. I never ever blamed my mom. I knew it was something she had absolutely no choice over, but I hated it. So I have decided that having children gives you the opportunity to heal for the things you feel you missed out on as a child. I look at the way my sister is raising her kids and she works hard to establish a home where her kids can live forever because my parents moved around a lot when she was little (she’s 8 years older than me). It’s just interesting to see :D

  4. Angela says:

    Beautiful family and great story! It’s amazing how much we change from high school even though high school seems like it was just 5 years ago (for me anyway).

  5. Eric Walker says:

    “We have two lives… the life we learn with and the life we live after that. Suffering is what brings us towards happiness.”
    — Bernard Malamud (The Natural)

  6. kay says:

    very moving. i see a little something of myself in there. (i was a grunger rather than a punk though) i didnt want the husband or kids either. my parents had divorced when i was young and i never saw my dad, my step dad was a vile, abusive, excuse for a human being. then i met my husband and my whole world changed. i’m now a breastfeeding, co-sleeping, home birthing mum of 3 boys. and i wouldnt have it any other way.

  7. Megan says:

    Aren’t we lucky!? :-)
    At 16, I was a drug addicted high school drop out who didn’t like kids and never wanted any…

    Fast forward 7 years.

    Proud homeschooling, home birthing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, Christian, married, extremely happy mother of (almost) 4. :-)

  8. Christie says:

    It is always so amazing to look back on where you’ve been and how far you’ve come. I do that every once in a while and it just blows me away.

    I really feel connected by way of your parent’s divorce. My parents got divorced when I was young, so that it all I’ve ever known, but I always knew that I didn’t want to get divorced. I always told everyone that they’d never see me go through that and I would always be happy with the man I chose to marry. But, at least I looked positively on a situation that ended up happening anyways.

    Sometimes people change so much. I know I have. I see you have, too. I see that you are happy with that change, and I will admit that I am happy with my changes as well. Change is inevitable, we just have to accept it and allow it to happen. You never know where it will lead you!

  9. melody says:

    kaitlin this is so beautiful! your heart is precious. thankyou for sharing your story. it blessed me greatly today. i am so happy for you and your sweet family…and i know that you already know it…but you are about to fall head over heels in love all over again!!! :) thanks for all you do to encourage like-minded mamas :)

  10. Kathy says:

    you are blessed, aren’t you!

  11. Ashley says:

    So relevant to many.

  12. Claire says:

    I have to tell you, this gives me so much hope. I looked up to you so fiercely when I was in high school, I thought you were the coolest, you embodied everything I was feeling and thinking, but you had the courage to express it (where as I didn’t). I have seen your transformation and I have seen my own, and I want you to know that I still very much look up to you. Thank you for the hope you give me for my own life. Thank you.

    • bringbirthhome says:

      Clarie, your comment brought tears to my eyes. What a thing to say. I had no idea you thought of me that way! It makes me feel as though I’ve been placed on this planet to do some real good, in ways I am aware of, and in ways that I am not. Hugs!


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